Army generals were asked yesterday about the violence in Iraq and said that they feared the country might be moving towards a civil war.
The Bush administration, of course, doesn’t want to use that term and reportedly said privately after the general’s appearance that the violence that claims about 100 Iraqi lives a day doesn’t qualify as a civil war.
The administration also said it has established an office that will determine, in fact, when and if a civil war has commenced. The first proclamation from the office was that a civil war cannot be declared before the opposing sides have chosen a uniform color.
“A civil war requires one side wear blue uniforms and the other side wear gray ones,” said Karl Rove, who has been assigned the task of outlining the parameters of a civil war. “Until then, the violence only qualifies as “making steady progress.”
Rove has authorized Vice President Dick Cheney to approve a no-bid contract to Halliburton to manufacture 3 million of each colored uniform just in case a civil war erupts. The contract includes a 50% premium due to the “rush” nature of the bid.
Meanwhile, trying to identify who is blue and who is gray has proved a challenge for the administration. Therefore, President Bush is sending Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on an undercover mission to Iraq. She will attempt to infiltrate both sides of the conflict. Depending on who treats her best will help determine who is blue and who is gray.
With the civil war imminent, President Bush determined that now is the perfect time to take a vacation. He originally planned to enjoy his summer home in Mobile, Ala., before Mr. Rove reminded him he didn’t have a home there, but should a civil war break out, Mr. Rove will find a suitable property to buy there.
Thus, Mr. Bush is planning a 10-day respite at his Crawford, Texas ranch. Should a civil war break out in Iraq, the Secret Service has a plan to move the president regularly during his vacation to ensure he is at a secure location. The administration is worried that any mention of a civil war might provoke Shiite and Sunni rednecks throughout the South, as well as Texas yahoos. We’ve learned that the vacation hideouts are in Osage, Mosheim, Lime City, Moody and Lorena, all towns in Texas. (Revealing these names does not jeopardize security for the president because nobody knows where teh hell these towns are.)
Cindy Sheehan has offered her recently purchased five acres near the president’s ranch to him as an alternative vacation spot. She announced that while he’s there, she could not gurantee that a civil war would not commence.
Meanwhile, Pentagon officials are trying to dissuade Sec. Donald Rumsfeld from planning an attack on Atlanta with a Boy Scout troop and a box of matches.