With yesterday’s announcement by Regug congressman that they have a “budget blueprint” with no numbers, a larger story went unreported. According to my sources, the numberless budget is part of a greater legislative agenda the GOPers are preparing:
- All baseball, football and basketball games will no longer be allowed to keep score. Instead, umpires will decide baseball games based on the most beautiful swing, most graceful dive for a ball and most intense crotch scratch. Football referees will decide fiercest tackle, best QB scramble and most creative touchdown dance. Basketball refs will rely solely on best chest thumpings.
- Top 25 basketball rankings will be determined by “best dressed” team.
- Swimming competition will be judge differently for men and women. Men will be judged on best abs and women on best nipple reveal.
- Weather forecasters will no longer be allowed to predict temperatures. Instead, they will rely on the Homeland Security Advisory system of colors – red, orange, yellow, blue and green — as they already are in place and the GOPers estimate they can save billions of dollars in temperature tracking.
- Home mortgages will no longer be offered with a specific interest. Instead, the new system will simply be: If your house has a swimming pool, pay what you want; If it is needs painting, pay whatever the banks want for two years and then allow them to foreclose.
- Traffic tickets will no longer come with specific fines. If you drive a luxury car, you will receive a warning and an invitation to a GOP fundraiser. If you drive an American car, you will be asked to donate to the Autoworkers union. If your surname is Spanish or Arabic, you will deported to Sudan.
- Finally, no election will be determined by counting votes. Instead, given its proven track record, the Supreme Court will decide all elections, but with a changes from the 2000 election process. After deliberations and a canvass of all the judges, Antonin Scalia will decide what’s best for the country.