With yesterday’s announcement by Regug congressman that they have a “budget blueprint” with no numbers, a larger story went unreported.  According to my sources, the numberless budget is part of a greater legislative agenda the GOPers are preparing:

  • All baseball, football and basketball games will no longer be allowed to keep score.  Instead, umpires will decide baseball games based on the most beautiful swing, most graceful dive for a ball and most intense crotch scratch.  Football referees will decide fiercest tackle, best QB scramble and most creative touchdown dance.  Basketball refs will rely solely on best chest thumpings.
  • Top 25 basketball rankings will be determined by “best dressed” team.
  • Swimming competition will be judge differently for men and women. Men will be judged on best abs and women on best nipple reveal.
  • Weather forecasters will no longer be allowed to predict temperatures.  Instead, they will rely on the Homeland Security Advisory system of colors – red, orange, yellow, blue and green — as they already are in place and the GOPers estimate they can save billions of dollars in temperature tracking.
  • Home mortgages will no longer be offered with a specific interest.  Instead, the new system will simply be:  If your house has a swimming pool, pay what you want; If it is needs painting, pay whatever the banks want for two years and then allow them to foreclose.
  • Traffic tickets will no longer come with specific fines.  If you drive a luxury car, you will receive a warning and an invitation to a GOP fundraiser.  If you drive an American car, you will be asked to donate to the Autoworkers union.  If your surname is Spanish or Arabic, you will deported to Sudan.
  • Finally, no election will be determined by counting votes.  Instead, given its proven track record, the Supreme Court will decide all elections, but with a changes from the 2000 election process.  After deliberations and a canvass of all the judges, Antonin Scalia will decide what’s best for the country.