You are invited to my press conference on a future date when news is slow for my “Burn the Bible Day.” I and my followers will be offering a two-fer as we will burn a bible of both New and Old Testament and thusly denigrate both Christians and Jews. Where else can you get such a demonic deal, what I like to think of as a pox on both your houses?
I am not alone in this. I have five followers. One is serving a life sentence for the terrorist act of praying on a carpet remnant from Marlow Furniture. One is cheap relative of mine who agreed to attend because I was also offering a raffle prize. At least one has Alzheimer’s who offered to bring marshmallows. The other is either a sufferer, too, or has a low IQ, or was educated at Bob Jones University; it’s hard to tell. The fifth follower is dead, but gave me his proxy vote in a death bed conversion to atheism.
Now five followers may not seem a lot, especially compared to the throngs that Rev. Earl Terry has, but they are all very passionate, and they’ve signed up for Twitter accounts, so we should have great coverage in the press.
The raffle prize will be a date with Wolf Blitzer. The lucky winner will shadow him for a day as he mentors the “best political team on television.” Second prize is two days with Blitzer. All other ticket holders will need to spend a week with him, after which they can either spend another week with him or commit suicide. In anticipation of the choice of so many, my church will be happy to facilitate by offering a mass blessing along the rim of the Grand Canyon. A small donation for my church is requested to help pay for clean-up at the Canyon’s base.
And though it may seem incongruous after such a political statement as above, I know I will be pilloried if I neglect to say, God bless the United States of America.