We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C…. We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation. This is where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans. Those who are running our factories and teaching our kids and growing our food and are fighting our wars for us. Those who are protecting us in uniform. Those who are protecting the virtues of freedom.”

–Sarah Palin, Oct. 17, 2008

I read this and panicked.  Did I live in an anti-American part of the country?  Being so close to the nation’s capital, I had reason for concern. 

More important, was I born in a pro-American part of the country, because if not, could I be congenitally — and irreversibly — anti-American?  I called my hometown mayor’s office.  The woman who answered had not been asked the question before, so she said she’d need to do some research and call me back.  It took only 10 minutes before she called.  I knew that was a bad sign.  It’s an older town. I expected it to take awhile to review the records.  A quick call suggested she found bad news without much trouble. 

I was right.  Seems there were records of civil disturbances against the government there that slowly grew over time and eventually spun out of control.  My hometown had a distinct history of outright rebellion and armed insurrection.  Philadelphia is clearly not a pro-American part of the country.  I sure hope the Phillies play the Boston Red Sox in the World Series.  I hear it’s equally anti-American.  That way, not everyone in the pro-American areas of the country would root against the Phils.

I then conducted research to find out how else I might tell if an area of the U.S. was pro-American or anti-American.  I talked not just to people at city halls across the country.  I talked to regular people.  No elites.  In fact, I tried in most cases to limit my interviews to plumbers, or at least guys who revealed more than we care to see when they lean over. I also asked Congresswoman Michele Bachman of Minnesota.  On “Chris Matthews’ Hardball” yesterday she seemed to be an expert and had a good antenna for what makes an anti-American American. 


Here are the results of my research.  To make it easy for you stupid “leftist liberals” (as opposed to you right-wing liberals or left wing conservatives), I’ve put the differences in a simple chart, figuring that this narrative has already overtaxed your limited powers of comprehension.

Pro-American Areas Anti-American Areas
Flags are everywhere Flags only used as curtains or seat covers on old VW buses
All restaurants have fluorescent lights Not only have but list Middle Eastern restaurants in the phone book
Are proud of their “Negro boy” who is the tailback on the state championship football team Allow African Americans to play quarterback
Cars park front in on Main St. People ride busses — and everyone can sit anywhere they want
Folks at city hall are helpful and friendly City hall signs are in English and Spanish
People are hard working and play by the rules People trade derivatives and credit default swaps
Women always wear lipstick Only put lipstick on pigs
Drink Pabst Blue Ribbon Drink Pinot Noir and wash it down with valium
Overweight only means “the more tread on the tire, the smoother the ride” Go to gyms after they graduate high school
Marge can give you a wash and a perm Kim Nguyen does your nails
Guys at the hardware store know a hammer from a nail Guys at Home Depot don’t know their left from their right
Admire those who are “protecting the virtues of freedom” Want to actually practice freedom of thought
Love those who are “teaching our kids” Allow their kids to think about what they are taught
Love “everyday Americans” Have a mild appreciation and some tolerance for all kinds of Americans…in the next neighborhood
Appreciate the one-on-one battle of wits between wild animals and a 12 gauge shotgun Never even try to shoot a wolf from a helicopter
Elect beauty queens to public office if they can play the flute Elect Barney Frank
Can talk real good and don’t need no newspaper…also Read the Times then The Post every day, and for a different viewpoint they read The Post first
Plumbers make $250,000 a year Plumbers haven’t worked since Watergate

I used to like John McCain.  And then I hated him.  Now I feel sorry for him.  Think what you may of him, but can you imagine his reaction when his aides came to him yesterday and said Sarah implied to a crowd that some parts of the country were anti-American?  He’s dying a political death of a thousand cuts, some self-inflicted, some self-induced and many from the little lady a heartbeat away.  If there is a God, McCain will go back to the Senate a tragic figure of American politics. 

And Sarah will go back to Alaska wondering what the fuss was all about.